It’s been almost a month since my mother had returned home and I’d been taking care of my now-20-month old toddler son as a full time “stay at home/work from home” mom. I was originally concerned with my ability to do my task well, but I’m doing well so far!

What really helped was to eliminate some of the adult-based ideas and projections I once held. I had been learning about the Waldorf childhood education approach as part of establishing some form of routine for my 20 month old son, and the result was not only an emotionally calmer toddler, but a happier, more confident mom (me).

The most important myth I needed to get rid of was my concern that my child may “get bored”. Now I realize, and have seen for myself, the wonders of “predictability and routine” in my child. This means taking him to the same park every day, going there via the same route, singing him the same 5 songs and adding only one new song at a time and letting him get used to the new song before adding another. No more reading: I’ve stored away most of the books for when he’s much older, and whatever “story” he has grown familiar with, I would memorize the list of words and recite them to him. I also stored away 90% of the toys that he had: most were too advanced for his age anyway, and he was breaking or smashing them. I eliminated TV during the day. He does get to watch the YouTube videos of the songs he’s now familiar with on the computer, so I’m not completely eliminating technology from his life like hardcore Waldorf parents should.

Then each child is different, and that means adapting my approach from what I’ve read (or received as advice) to what works for my child. For example, I’ve gotten a lot of advice about “redirecting”. When my child has gotten hold of something I’d rather him not be holding, people have told me to redirect his attention to something else and then taking away that object. Or, I’ve been advised to substitute that object for another object.

My little one has the grip of steel. Once he has a hold on something, there is no redirecting! Even yanking the object from him will require force to pry his fingers open. As for substitution, if I give him something he may like, or like better, than what he’s got – he may give up the object. However, in substitution situations he knows what he’s got must somehow be forbidden, which makes him hold onto it firmer.

My approach? I get him to give it to me of his own free will.

I do this by repetition. I’ll sit there, or follow my son around in a non threatening yet annoying (to him) way, and keep saying “please give it to mommy”. This has actually worked most of the time, but requires tremendous patience and I may be repeating myself for 10 minutes. At the beginning, I used this method for seemingly every thing he was resisting… putting on his shirt, putting on his pants, getting his diaper changed, brushing his teeth, putting on his shoes. I felt victorious when my son finally decided that agreeing to do the task was less troublesome than hearing my nagging voice! And now I need only to repeat myself a few times before he would comply… for some things. He still hates his teeth brushed.

The way I interact with my son has changed. I find myself connecting with him in a respectful way, which may sound strange, but I came to this conclusion only after making the common parenting blunders of forcing my will and strength onto Bebe. I’m much stronger and bigger than he, and I could easily take away something he’s grabbed hold of and shouldn’t (because we could not childproof our entire house). In the past, I’d keep saying “no” or wrestle the object away from him, taking the stance of an authority figure who is exercising her power. That resulted in frequent episodes of short temper tantrums, where Bebe would cry angrily and throw things; he began hitting me when I forcibly take something away from him.

But over these past weeks, as I spent entire days with my child, literally observing him hours a day, I came to the realization that he is at that stage of experiencing new emotions that he does not quite understand, and cannot yet have the capacity to express them or intellectualize them. When we get frustrated or upset, we adults can transform this psychic energy into words and actions – effectively shifting the nature of the energy and thereby dissipating the potentially negative imprints on our minds. Young toddlers, especially those who have yet to express themselves coherently (they all ’speak’ their own language, so it’s not a matter of being able to speak or not, but rather, express their feelings) – are unable to make this transformation.

Imagine if you lack the ability to express yourself, you are inundated with powerful emotions of frustration and anger because you are physically weak and small, and you have no idea what is coming over you physically and emotionally when these changes occur within you. That must be what a young toddler feels on a daily basis, as he becomes more aware of the world and are confronted with this new awareness within himself that he is wholly unprepared to deal with. The last thing he needs is for the primary caretaker in his life to add to this confusion and stress.

When I realized this, I felt not only more compassion toward my child in his fits of frustration or anger, but also more patience and with a focus on an approach that suits his temperament or personality.

I shared my observations with my husband, and he’s also applying the same approach – politely asking our boy to put things back where he found them or to give up an object he had gotten a hold of – my husband marveled at the results as well as the change in our boy. There is now less power struggles between my child and me, and he is able to more quickly dissipate his sense of anger and frustration (translating to less hitting as well as hitting less hard). This means more of our days are spent in affection and laughter, which is emotionally rewarding for me as a mom too.

Now… if only I can figure out how to train our toddler to sleep less like a kickboxer at night…