motherhood is hard.

Well, this is it. My mom’s last week here; she’s leaving on Saturday, heading back to Taiwan. My mom came here in December of 2008 and stayed with us for 7 full months.

It has been hard for my husband and my mom because of their language barrier and because of their very different lifestyles. But they both braved through it because of Bebe and Me… after all, this arrangement was my idea, because I was having a difficult time juggling parenting and running businesses.

I was super stressed while my mom was here, and now I’m feeling super stressed with her leaving in a few days. In fact, for the first time in many years, I’m breaking out! Very weird, and unpleasant more because I’ll have to be more conscientious about keeping my skin clean, and right now being conscientious about my skin is the last thing I want to worry about.

Tonight I told my mom that I appreciated her for helping me these past months, and for allowing me to do some business work, especially during those critical “8-12 noon” hours when business people like to get on the phone and talk business. I did make one business trip to the East coast during her stay.

I also made almost every single meeting with a local Toastmasters club that I belong to during these months… and I have given 20 prepared speeches in 7 months! It was very good practice for me to do this ambitious exercise, I learned to outline my speeches very quickly and give most of the speeches without notes and frequently without rehearsing.

My mom was surprised that I thanked her, and then she said that I also helped her sort out the financial aid she could receive, and learn about what options may be available, as well as help her apply to senior housing. Since she and my dad are in a lot of debt, she loses sleep over the security of their future, and because she grew up in poverty, not having food or shelter is one of her biggest life fears. Even though their money problems are far from solved – and may never be solved during their lifetime – at least she feels a bit better knowing that she’s on a waiting list for senior housing (no matter if it’s a 5 year wait).

I think one of the biggest gifts this experience has been, is having my relationship with my mom as a reminder why I want to be a stay-at-home mom for Bebe. I think about how my parents worked so much that we’d literally not see them most of the day. When they had a restaurant business, the only times I’d see them was during lunch when I went to help out (I was in high school at the time), and during dinner time when we’d eat dinner at the restaurant. Before that, my parents lived in separate continents, and we were usually with my mom while my dad worked overseas.

My parents made a lot of decisions in the name of “securing the future for the family” yet they sacrificed the very things that matter in families – relationships. Even though we were never a close family to begin with, there was no hugging or “I love you” involved in the stereotypical ethnic chinese family – and before my parents were even done moving and chasing money opportunities in the name of family, I had left home and several years later severed relations with my parents. Still, at the end of the prime of their lives, my parents ran up huge amount of debt and my mom’s reckless “communication style” had damaged her relationship with her two children and THEIR young families. So now they have no money and no family relationships.

While my mom was here, I reflected often on my childhood, my relationships with both of my parents, and how this will make me choose the path I want to take as a mother. Because of my parents’ mistakes, I am debt-averse and financial risk-averse, which allowed us to be in a good financial position right now. Because of their choices, I am choosing to put my family relationships first, and see that as priority in the context of pursuing my business opportunities.

I suppose I am better able to accept the painful part of my childhood and adult years as my parents’ daughter, by justifying that their mistakes and my resulting suffering as their child have made me stronger as a person, and strengthens the sense of value I feel toward being present as a parent. In a way, I’m also trying to give some meaning to the pain and suffering they now feel in the consequences of their actions.

I do need to be careful, though, because I still find myself overwhelmed by feelings of guilt, and I tend to resolve guilt with money where my parents are concerned. I’d want to give them money (as gifts since they have no way of paying me back), so I’d feel better about doing something to take away the pain they’ve created for themselves. Ultimately I know that even I don’t have the means to solve their financial problems, and I’m doing this out of guilt.

When my mom first got here, I wanted to get to know her better as a person, and perhaps try to understand her more. I don’t know if I have accomplished this goal, maybe not to the extent I’d like, because of my own judgments about my mother and inability to control my emotions when my buttons get pushed. This is the first time since I was a teenager that I’ve lived with my mother under the same roof for this long of a time. I’ve probably ran up a slurry of things I’ll feel guilty about in these 7 months for the rest of my life, and when that happens, I’ll have to remind myself that I had been as good of a daughter as I know how to be.

But it will be hard to keep myself from crying when I say goodbye to her at the airport this Saturday. I’m already teary-eyed typing this and she’s not even gone yet.

Whenever we pass a certain house on our walk to the grocery store, my mom would comment about the peach tree that was bearing fruit in the yard of that house. She would say how wonderful those peaches looked, and wondered why they didn’t pick them and eat them already. Part of the branches were hanging outside the fence, so today I trespassed by walking up the side driveway of the house, and picked one of the peaches outside the fence.

My mom said that I needed to eat it quickly or else I’ll be caught for stealing or the grocery store clerks would think that I took one of their peaches! I kept walking nonchalantly and brushed the dirt off the peach
and took a small bite. It was bland and spongy. I told mom to take a bite too and she was disgusted with it. she said that only sweet potatoes would taste good with spongy texture like that. I said maybe this was a sweet potato peach, and she thought it was funny. I said that instead of a monkey stealing peaches (from a famous chinese folklore), I was a piglet stealing peaches since I was born in the year of the pig. She found that humorous too.

I told mom that I knew she had this illusion about how wonderful those peaches must taste, so I wanted her to find out once and for all whether her fantasy was justified! Now she’ll have something new to say about them the next time we pass by that house… although… she’s recently found another house with a big tree chock full of apricots that she’s been admiring.

Later in the afternoon the postman delivered the usual junk mail. I took the circulars over to the garden where mom and I sat on the grass looking at the junk mail. I looked at the Harry & David catalog where the pears are always in display, and mom said that those pears are often very sour, at least the ones she’s tried.

I told her that I thought so too, but then one of my girlfriends introduced me to the pears and bought me a box for Christmas a few years ago because she was surprised at how great they tasted. When I tried them, I was blown away by how sweet and juicy they were. I told my mom that it was so amazing that I was speechless, which made her laugh (probably because I am rarely speechless).

It was nice to hear her laugh, because it gave me a glimpse of what she was like when / if she were happy. it made me want to buy her some of these pears for her birthday.

Maybe the secret to getting along a bit better with mom is try to make her laugh.