motherhood is hard.

Bebe and I have started mommy and me classes – this past week was our 2nd time. I enjoy it and I think Bebe does too, but he gets scared if a toddler yells loudly or cries. I’m sure after a few more times he’ll become more used it.

But that’s not why I’m feeling conflicted.

These days my mom has been doing a pretty good job taking Bebe off my hands during the morning business hours. From about 8am through 12 noon, she takes him for walks in the stroller and watches him as he pushes his little wooden cart around the garage. He loves pushing that little cart! He’s now starting to do little short sprints, although with his 14-month old baby legs he is not completely sure-footed and his baby sprints are more like “very fast walks”. He loves it when we chase him around and play hide and seek!

I’ve been busy with business related stuff; there were 3 business ventures that I had entered into collaborations with people I know. One of those ventures has been tabled due to the economy (lack of funding), which is fine by me, because I can barely keep up with operating my current business and being a part of 2 new organizations (one is a leadership development biz, the other one a non-profit focusing on improving children’s lives).

I do enjoy the time that I now have in the mornings to work on business related stuff, answer emails without constant interruption, even having some time to write articles and think…

… But I feel like I’m missing out on Bebe’s childhood. Even though I spend time with him in the afternoon and in the evening, and am with him until he falls asleep almost every night!

A big part of my conflict has to do with what I consider as my responsibility, and part of my personal values (or principle). I have always been very driven. At first I thought I had been driven by career and ambition. But now I realize that I am more driven by values and principles, which are formed by my ideals of “doing the right thing”.

To tell you the truth I had always scoffed at stay at home moms; I thought that only women who knew from the time they were little girls that they’d grow up get married have kids were the women who would choose to stay home with their kids.

Me? For sure I would continue with my career! Do important things with my life! Accomplish impressive goals! Change the world! (and all that type of stuff)

At least, that was my impression of who I was. Until I became a mom – Bebe’s mom.

Then everything – and I mean – EVERYTHING changed. The way I thought of myself – that was the biggest change and it hit me by surprise. I am still shocked to learn that I am not the person that I thought I was.

I am not the person who is willing to put Bebe in daycare even when I love what I do in my career. OK, then, I’ll get a nanny.

Then I find that instead of feeling happy and “free” that my mom’s doing a good job with Bebe, I feel like I’m not doing the right thing with my life and at this stage of my “personal mastery” (personal growth). I find myself asking if I was doing the right thing to go for a nanny, even a part-time nanny.

After all, there was a reason why I waited for 9 years to finally have a child. I wanted to get my career established so that I could have the security to have a child, but that was as far as I had thought about. I never thought about what I would do ONCE I became a mom.

Honestly, I just assumed that I’d do what millions of women do nowadays when they have a career. I thought I’d put Bebe in daycare and that would be that. That assumption went out the door when Bebe was born and I chose to take a business sabbatical and focus on taking care of him in his first year.

Now that we’re past that year, I just assumed that I’d get a nanny. Apparently, I am not even the person that I thought would be quick to engage in a nanny arrangement, either. At least, this is what I was able to learn because my mom came to help me. For her help at this time of my life I will always be grateful. She and I had a difficult relationship, but she has given me a great gift through this experience.

I think I’m the person who wants to be a stay at home mom, who puts her career perspective in the big picture, who views and accepts the enormity of her role as a parent raising a new human being, and who has certain ideas about “the parental responsibility”.

More than 10 years ago when I was really into numerology, I learned that based on my birth numbers, “family” is a major theme for me. At that time, I said “no way”. I had awful family relationships and I was very cynical about family. At that time, it was all about getting through life not losing hope and finishing grad school so I could get on with life outside the laboratory.

Even five years ago, I could not believe I’d ever be into family or see family has an integral part of my existence. Even though my marriage was strong, I still saw myself as the driven career woman who was lucky to have a husband who was supportive of her career and success.

Then this year I’m finding that I have been making decisions based on family even without realizing it. I changed careers and left jobs out of consideration for my husband, whom I regard as my closest family member. Now, I’m finding that I am struggling with doing the conventional thing and trying to balance work-and-family.

Instead, I may be looking to focus primarily on family – and in particular – taking responsibility of my role as mother to my son, and then adapt any career aspirations and desires to this primary priority.

You may think that I must have had a wonderful time as a stay at home mom… I did not have a wonderful time. My past journal entries on this site will tell. I struggled. I was tired. I felt like I had no clue what I was doing. But I see this as the same kind of pains that any newbie goes through. I felt like that in my first job as a sales rep, except at the end of the day, I wasn’t crying about how horrible it was to deal with unethical doctors or abusive office staff. In my new mom phase, I cried about how tired I was and how awful my body looked and how lost I felt not knowing what the heck I was doing. so this is not about loving the motherhood experience above and beyond loving the career or entrepreneurial experience!

This is about how I see my life in the big picture.

After all, I will have decades more to work. If I stop working, the world will go on breezily without me. I’m dispensible.

But Bebe is only a baby, a toddler, a child – once in my lifetime. If I stop being here for him as much as I can be, HE WILL MISS ME! To him (and I’m pretty sure, to my husband as well), I’m indispensible!

Maybe in a few months I’ll have to shelf “The Nanny Years” category on this blog to “The Mommy of a Toddler Years”.

A pleasant surprise for me is that I thought I’d see myself as “being soft” for showing these traits, but I don’t see myself as soft. This has been a very hard decision. I am making it based on my personal values and what I believe is a responsibility I have chosen to take…. and I know that for someone with my “wiring”, this will be a really tough journey for me to travel. In the end, I believe that this decision will teach me life’s most important lessons.

Hubby was chattin’ up Mr. Fabu at the gym today, and Mr. Fabu asked him if he was going to get me cards and flowers and chocolates for V day.

Hubby told Mr. Fabu that I don’t do commercial occasions like Valentine’s.

Mr. Fabu wondered if maybe I secretly would, if hubby only tried giving me the “valentine’s day works”. What about, for example, those Hallmark music cards with bebe’s voice on it? Wouldn’t I surely love that?

I said, “first thing I’d do is probably flip the card over and look at how much you paid for the card. Then I’d tell you that you should have just given me cash in that amount, instead. If it were a musical card, I’d probably get pretty miffed and tell you what a waste of money on me.”

I know, it’s really awful, but it’s true. I would literally ask my husband to give me cash instead of presents! Although given this economy, I might start asking him to get me a few gold coins, preferably South African Krugerrand, because I don’t have those and I’d like to have at least one.

My husband told me that I must blog about this, or else Mr. Fabu wouldn’t believe him.

By the way thank you so much Mr. Fabu for that mini superman onesie ornament, it is soooo cute!!!!

I’ll write more soon – been meaning to catch up with you guys here for so many days but I’ve been pretty busy with business activities.