motherhood is hard.

This was my first week caring for Baby J since my husband went back to work. This meant I took care of feedings past 10pm and during the day. I calculated: it is like a 12- to 16 hour shift job!

I was really concerned about not being able to wake up for the early morning feedings as I had been so worn out by the night time feedings. However, when push comes to shove, I managed, even when most of the time I was fighting off sleep while feeding Baby J. I’m still adjusting though, and have the “war badges” of trying to function while severely sleep deprived. I’ve given myself some nice cuts on my thumb and even ankle because I was in a hurry or wasn’t coordinating my motion well. I also broke one of my hair bands because I was so tired that I stretched it too hard too quickly.

I had given up breastfeeding, which is another long story altogether for another post, but had been pumping two or three times a day so that Baby J would still get some benefits of receiving breast milk. This week, though, I’ve been pumping once a day if I can muster the energy, and have even skipped days and not pumped at all. My breast milk will soon dry up when I do this, but at this stage it’s a trade-off I’m making so that I can take a short nap, feed myself, clean up feeding bottles, and spend some time tending to my business. Most of the time I end up sacrificing napping for eating/cleaning/business maintenance.

Baby J has been a joy to take care of during the day. This is not to say he doesn’t have his moments and fuss and cry, but most of the time when I am able to get him to fall asleep after feeding, he can nap for 2-3 hour stretches. I’ve been wearing him (using the Moby Wrap) instead of putting him in the crib. When he falls asleep, his head tends to fall back because his neck is still floppy, and would rest his neck on the scaffolding of the wrap fabric. Then his sleeping face would face upward at me, and his mouth always seems to hang open (like right now, as I’m typing this). When I look down at his big, round head and sleeping face, I can’t help smiling. Sometimes I can’t help myself and bend down to kiss his forehead, most of the time I stifle a giggle because he looks so cute.

Today I was able to reconnect with a good friend/colleague with whom I had been holding monthly teleconferences for the past year. We cover diverse topics during these conversations. My friend is also an entrepreneur and has a consulting business, but our conversations often go beyond business into creative aspects of our ventures. Today, for example, we talked about Joseph Campbell and the concept of following one’s bliss, the idea of an authentic voice (a topic that I’m looking to research more for a keynote speech I’m set to give in April), the debate of nature versus nurture, and whether we know what we should do with our lives. I was really glad to be able to talk with her today, because this was a part of my “old” life that I want to integrate into my “new” life. It also made me feel like I had a somewhat “normal” day, doing something that is familiar.

Even though I’m proud that I survived this first week, make no mistake about it: I’m asking my husband to take care of Baby J over the weekend so I can sleep in, which at this junction means 3-4 hours of uninterrupted sleep!!!!!

I read an APP.com article about preschooling and how current evidence suggests that sending kids to preschool doesn’t make them perform better scholastically than not sending kids to preschool. In addition, preschooled kids often show signs of aggression and less respect for adults:

Here’s what we know about the effects of preschooling: The educational benefits, if they exist at all, are short-lived. From a behavioral point of view, the data is alarming. In some circumstances, preschooling appears to have detrimental effects.

Since 1993, Georgia has had a universal, no-fee and high-quality preschool program. In 1999, researchers at Georgia State University tested kindergarten students and found no statistically significant difference between those who participated in the preschool program and those who didn’t. Since the program’s inception, kindergarten test scores are no better than they were prior to its implementation. And a longitudinal study conducted by the university’s researchers concluded that performance among preschoolers in the fourth grade was no different from the rest of the fourth-grade student population.

I agree with the article’s statement that preschooling is “hyped”, but I also wonder whether the finding in Georgia can really be extrapolated to all preschools and made to generalize the possible risk/benefit ratio of preschooling. For example, there may be preschools fitting a certain profile (i.e. stringent criteria for teacher:student ratio and teacher qualifications) that may ultimately confer some benefit down the road to children.

Then again, I didn’t go to preschool, and went straight into kindergarten. From my vague recollection – and yes, we’re talking more than 3 decades ago – all I remembered doing in kindergarten was playing in the yard, eating lunch, and taking the scheduled naps in class. Then I went home, played, ate dinner, and took naps at home. And look how I turned out :-p

Seriously, now that I’m Baby J’s mom, and even during pregnancy, I’m paying more attention to the school systems and what really matters in a child’s “education” these days. I used to be one of those people who was completely intent on sending her kid to an Ivy League school (I went to one) so that he may have greater chances of success in life.

In the past year, I’ve come to realize that I’d rather Baby J grow up to be a thinking, discerning, compassionate adult who follows his bliss and use his talents to serve the world. Baby J is not here to fulfill my own expectations in life – he needs to define for himself what he wants out of life and his life experience, and walk his own path.