motherhood is hard.

When we send pictures to my parents and the in-laws, the mothers usually respond with unsolicited parenting advice. One told me not to pick up Baby J when he cries, to “train” him not to be spoilt. Another told us to start reading books to him.

With my mom, I can be blunt about not wanting to be told how to raise my child. With the in-law I don’t feel the same degree of latitude. Instead, I stew and tell off my husband.

“Tell your mom to stop with the unsolicited advice!” I’d huff and puff. “I’ve done my own research and read experts’ opinions and I will do what I feel is best!”

Recently I couldn’t hold back and wrote a looooooong email telling the in-law that I will be following the advice of board-certified medical doctors who have done scientific research involving thousands of parents and babies, and that I subscribe to Harvey Karp‘s and William Sears‘ opinions about newborn care and babywearing (that newborns up to 3 months can’t be “spoilt”) and that I don’t believe in letting Baby J “cry it out”. I also stated that many of today’s parenting approaches are really for the convenience of parents, and when I made a conscious decision to have Baby J, I also was prepared to adjust my lifestyle to care for Baby J.

Essentially, I was telling her off but disguised with analytical discourse.

Today a friend said that some people take it personally when their parenting advice is not heeded because they may see it “as a personal attack that they were wrong and did not do what was best for their baby.”

This is true and I want to remember this when I “gently” redirect unsolicited advice from people. See, at the beginning when Baby J was very sick, I was so distraught that I listened to everyone – and I mean – EVERYONE’s advice. There were many conflicting opinions even amongst the so called “professionals” and healthcare providers.

The result: I was a basketcase. I second-guessed everything I did, I felt paranoid that I was incompetent and would possibly not be able to help Baby J get healthier and stay alive. It was awful and I was awful (my behavior toward my husband).

Then I had a long talk with my friend Sharon, after emailing her about some of the anxiety I was experiencing as a new mom. She told me to “take back my power” and that I do know how to be Baby J’s mom, and that I do know what is best for him, and to listen to my gut. I felt more confident after that, and my perspective changed.

True to form, Baby J became a healthy and robust baby, gaining almost 3 pounds in 3 weeks by his 2 month check up. He’s probably double his birth weight of 6 pounds 6 ounces by now.

I think because of this experience, I became more defensive than normal when people shove advice in my face. Most are polite about it, but the parents/in-laws seem to be more bossy the way they “communicate”. Then I start seeing it as a personal attack to *me* as if I don’t know how to care for Baby J, and I get more upset than I should be.

Remembering what my friend said about other people feeling attacked reminds me to be more “understanding” of where people who shove their advice in my face are coming from, and I hope I can remember to respond in a loving way rather than wanting to bite their head off because I feel I’m being attacked.

This weekend my husband and I tried getting Baby J to take naps in the bassinet that’s in our office. The bassinet was actually a cosleeper that one of my husband’s coworkers gave us as a gift. Since we’re already using the Emily Crib in our bedroom, we decided to put use the cosleeper as a bassinet or “second crib” in the office.

When I was pregnant, our original intent was to have Baby J nap in the bassinet so that when I worked during the day, I could have him close and tend to him when needed.

However, I ended up with a habit of wearing Baby J during the day while I tried to work in the office. I love wearing him and having him close for as long as possible, except lately my back’s been bothering me more than usual.

So we tried to get Baby J used to napping in the bassinet. He much preferred napping while snuggling tightly against our chests in the wrap to sleeping on his back in the bassinet, but he didn’t fuss too much before falling asleep in the bassinet. Yesterday he slept for 2 hours while my husband worked at the computer (I went for a massage and 30 minutes of “alone” time in a nearby bookstore).

This morning he slept for about 20 minutes. Then he woke up to eat. I changed him and now I’m wearing him in the wrap for the rest of his morning nap.

We’re glad that Baby J can adapt pretty quickly to napping in the bassinet. This will give my back a bit of rest and recovery!

Yesterday a friend and her mom and aunt stopped by to see Baby J. Baby J was asleep in the wrap when they arrived. They were fascinated by me wearing Baby J and the fact that the wrap is one rectangular piece of fabric. They loved watching the different mini-movies that my husband had taken of Baby J with our digital camera.

Then our friend’s mom gave me one of the best compliments I can think of as a mother; she said that based on watching the movies and the way I know Baby J, I must spend a lot of time with him and that I’m a good mother. My husband was quick to agree and even brought it up a notch to say that I am an excellent mother. I basked in the compliment for hours and hours afterwards.

I know that I’ve been incognito on this blog, but I made this quick clip video of Baby J smiling while I was playing with him. It’s about 10 seconds of gratuitous cuteness